Flying and Falling
by slowly stumbling
Summary: When a relationship is reduced to rubble is it possible to rebuild or is it time to move on?
1. Epilogue

**_September 27_****_th_****_ 2014_**

Gail had been sitting in the same position for over 2 hours, it was dark and cold and yet she couldn't bring herself to move. Her mind was working overtime trying to compute a situation that had completely blindsided her. She had come home from work a few hours ago to an empty house and a scrawled note thrown haphazardly on to the kitchen counter. She had taken up position on the stool to read said note and hadn't moved since. Its funny how one note can completely change your future plans, jolting you from the course of how you thought your life was going to be and down another path entirely.

Although she wouldn't admit it to anybody Gail had spent a lot of the last year contemplating her future and although she hadn't yet worked through the minor details she was sure of the one major one, that Holly would be in it. The two had spent the first 6 months after the shooting quietly together. It wasn't that Gail was keeping it a secret, she was fairly certain that everyone knew anyway, she just wanted to keep what the two of them shared close to her and away from anything that could potentially wreck it. Of course at a certain point Gail understood that she had to make a final commitment and so after professing her love to Holly 6 months ago the two had been completely open with their relationship.

Gail had met Holly's family, a pleasant experience, and Holly had met her parents, a not so pleasant experience. She had also moved herself in to Holly's small apartment just down the road from the division. Things were going smoothly and despite some small bickers about Gail's general untidiness and a long running argument concerning baseball and its lack of validity as a sport (Gail thought that for a sport that was centred on people hitting a ball with bats there wasn't exactly a lot of that going on, Holly of course completely loved it.) both were extremely happy and settled in the relationship. That wasn't to say that it wasn't exciting, Gail felt a thrill and attraction with Holly that she never had with anyone else previous, it was just that Gail was able to completely let her guard down and relax into who she truly was. That had bought about a sense of stability for Gail and for the first time in her life she had a clear picture of where she was heading. But as usually happens life seems to have swung back and kicked her in the ass because now instead of the picture that was oh so clear just a few hours ago, now all she could see was static because now she was sat on the stool in darkness clutching a note that read _I'm sorry I thought I could but I cant, H x._

* * *

**This is a bit experimental, there will be time jumps. First fic in a while so please let me know what you think.**


	2. Chapter One

**_October 5_****_th_****_ 2016_**

Holly stepped off the bus, a hotel room key and some small change tucked away in her back pocket and an old envelope clutched firmly in her hand. On the back of the envelope was scribbled an address that to her was foreign though the handwriting was unmistakably Gail's. The envelope had once contained a family trinket returned to her a year ago however now its purpose was to guide Holly to the new address (or new to her at least) of her former girlfriend.

The apartment building was tidy albeit not exactly located in the best part of town. Holly theorised that it was probably all Gail could afford on her beat cop wages, if she was still just a beat cop that was. As she reached for the 14 buzzer labelled with a scrawled Peck an old man hustled past her.

"oh are you looking for Gail dear? She won't be back for a couple of hours at least"

She offered her thanks and turned to take a seat on the entrance steps. "Well you can't sit out here for too long, it may not be quite winter yet but it sure does still get cold outside. Say why don't you come up to my apartment, I'm 15, just across the hall from Gail. An old man could use some company you know"

Holly quietly followed behind the man to his apartment noticing a certain charm in the way he rambled on about the weather and his distinct dislike for the winter. "You know hypothermia is a big killer in us old folk" he had rumbled. She had chuckled at that, the man looked quite healthy for his obviously advanced years, she was certain the cold wouldn't catch up with him just yet.

"I'm Frank by the way" he remarked as he stepped through the door marked with a silver fifteen, "probably should have made the introduction before I invited you back to my place, what with stranger danger and all. Take a seat on the sofa over there dear, I'll go make us some cocoa, warm us up a bit."

She took a seat on the ratty sofa, the thing looked like it could have almost been as old as its owner. Her eyes peered around the apartment, it was small inside but emanated a kind of homeliness the way most older generation homes did. Old photographs were littered over the walls at random points and the cabinets contained antique records and books mixed in with some new cd's and a kindle placed haphazardly on one surface. _Oh how times change_.

"Sorry dear I didn't catch you name earlier?" Frank questioned as he placed down her Cocoa on the coffee table in front of her.

Holly nodded her thanks and replied with an apprehensive "Holly". She was unsure if the man would know who she was and she was sure that if he did his easy friendliness would soon disappear.

"Right Holly, a friend of Gail's are you?"

Holly relaxed, "Um yeah, yes, we sort of we haven't exactly seen each other in a while"

"Ah yes the fickle nature of friendship" Frank chuckled. "She's a lovely girl is Gail, always helps me out with a few bits a bobs around the place, I'm getting old you see. Just some months ago she fixed that god damn dripping tap, stupid thing had been keeping me up all night".

The pair proceeded to chat about things, small unimportant things like music and television shows. Perhaps sensing her hesitancy Frank had stuck clear of topics concerning Gail. The mood was light and friendly and Holly could easily see how Gail seemingly got along with this man.

"Oh here she is", Frank remarked as he heard the 5 o'clock bus pull up outside "It has been lovely talking to you Holly, hopefully I will see you again soon"

"Likewise Frank, thanks for the hospitality" Holly had replied as she stepped out into the hallway, her nervousness suddenly increasing tenfold. She hadn't seen Gail in two years, and the way she had left things hadn't exactly been ideal. There had only been very minimal contact after that letter she had left to Gail, and by minimal she meant two pleading phone calls, another one in which Holly had forcefully ended the conversation and had given a finality to the relationship, and then one year later the envelope that was now sticking out of her front pocket.

Holly had no idea what she was going to say, in fact she had agonised for days over whether to come here at all. She had arrived back in Toronto 3 days ago and had since been holed up in her hotel room. She wasn't due to start back at the morgue until a few weeks, and despite the offers to catch up with old friends she couldn't bring herself to leave the room for fear that she may run into Gail.

So now here she was, ready to face her fears, and explain to Gail that she was back, she owed her that much at least. Holly was under no illusions, she was not expecting Gail to take her back at all and truth be told she wasn't exactly sure if she wanted to go back. Yes she loved Gail with all of her heart, a fact that had become blatantly clear during her miserable years in Montreal; however she wasn't sure if she could move past her own betrayal. She would never forgive herself for her own actions, and that wasn't exactly a solid foundation for a relationship to start back up again. No, all she was here to do was to inform Gail that she was back to avoid what would be an extremely awkward and uncomfortable situation if they were to run into each other in the morgue in a few weeks time.

The elevator bell dinged and Holly steeled herself. Her stomach dropped and she felt as if she was going to be sick, but she knew that this conversation had to be held. What washed over her however when the elevator doors opened was a sickness of a different kind, because instead of the seeing a blonde swagger out of the elevator with a unique air of confidence she was confronted with a wheelchair and a Gail she hardly recognised.


	3. Chapter Two

**_September 28_****_th_****_ 2014_**

Gail Peck is good at pretending, she'd done so her whole life. Some things though are too big to conceal, they loom over any wall you can put up no matter how high. She was meant to be due for parade in an hour but a quick call feigning a stomach bug later and Gail was left to her own devices for the day, though she wasn't exactly sure if that was a good thing. It had been a drunken and sleepless night, Gail desperately trying to examine every detail of the past few weeks to figure out what she had done wrong.

Last night she had drunk herself into oblivion. If there was one thing other than being a cop that Gail Peck was good at it was drinking. She drank a lot. She drank until the pain went away. She drank until she could only half stumble, half crawl to the bed that Holly and she had shared. Phone call attempts to Holly that night had been futile, Gail had quickly found out that Holly's phone had been disconnected though that didn't stop her from calling the number a few more times, a misguided sense of hopefulness filling her each time. She had developed something of a pattern, 2 drinks one phone call, 2 drinks one phone call. The pattern had been repeated until Gail's dulled motor skills meant she could no longer unlock her phone. Said phone had then found itself chucked against a wall and now 8 hours later still lay broken on the floor.

Gail recognised a need to leave the apartment, the cosy environment her and Holly had created wasn't exactly working wonders on her current depressive state. The old Gail may have sought out a bar but she had grown enough in the last year to know that alcohol wasn't the answer; it did however serve as a damn good temporary solution. Instead Gail sought peace and quiet, a place to unscramble her thoughts and figure out her next move.

The Royal Ontario Museum was one of Gail's favourite places to visit. With its jagged shards of steel enveloping an old heritage facade the building itself didn't exactly scream peaceful, but Gail had found the courtyard to be a great contemplative space. The building was an example of evolution, an apparent reminder that things are always changing dramatically, however it also served as an advocate for cohesion. The new element might not be better than the old element and vice versa, but when combined together they created a unique sense of beauty.

Gail saw herself much in the same way. Sometimes she liked to joke that there was a Gail B.H (before Holly) and Gail A.H (after Holly). The truth was however that the event of Holly coming in to her life had caused a dramatic personality evolution. That wasn't to say that she had lost the distinctly Gail traits of the past, the sarcasms and cynicism largely remained however combined with a new found general happiness, willingness to share and ability to work through problems without running and Gail found herself to be a much improved person.

It was however infinitely more difficult to work through a problem when she wasn't even aware one existed. Of course now that she had been made painfully aware that a problem did in fact exist she would have a hard time finding a solution considering the holder of said problem had bolted. The whole situation was extremely distressing to Gail and compounding her misery even further was the fact that Holly didn't try and talk to her about any issues she may have had. After all they did tell each other stuff right? The past year had proved to be a master class in sharing and solving. Gail found it easy to be open with Holly; she was the first person she had ever been completely honest with, of course with the exception of her late Aunt whom Gail had been attached to during her younger years. Katherine, her mother's sister, knew all too well the problems Gail faced for she too had experienced the fear of disappointment and feeling of never quite being able to measure up to the older sibling. To save face both had retreated into their shells preferring to close themselves off rather than experience the embarrassment of exposed failure. Katherine understood that Gail was much more than she displayed to the world and so when she died of cancer all those years ago Gail had been devastated. Since then her walls had been firmly in place, of course that was until Holly had come crashing through them. Holly had inspired openness in Gail.

Mulling over this with a cup of Coffee in the courtyard Gail quickly decided that if she was going to be able to do anything about her current situation she would somehow need to get in contact with Holly. They had talked stuff through before, Gail was sure they could certainly do it again. Her thoughts then turned to Holly's sister, if anyone knew where she was Jenny certainly would. Gail and Jenny hadn't exactly become fast friends; their relationship in the months immediately following their introduction had been strained. It wasn't that there had been anything in particular that had happened just a hesitancy to fully embrace the other. They eventually formed a kind of friendship however, bonding over their shared importance to Holly.

Gail realised that due to her drunken anger last night she was now phoneless, she would have to visit Jenny at her home. After returning her cup and paying for her coffee she made her way towards Jenny's suburban home. Suburbia wasn't exactly Gail's thing and the over expansive house that Jenny lived in with her husband and 2 kids had always freaked her out. It reminded her of something out of the step ford wives, fake robotic relationships, feigning happiness when Gail knew for a fact that Jenny's marriage was in trouble. People of suburbia had a way of doing that, presenting a false happy facade of white picket fences and ghastly coloured houses to hide the deep dark secrets behind. Gail thought that it was almost opposite to the way she interacted. Her facade was cold and uninviting and yet behind it lay a delicate and ultimately warm personality. No Gail certainly could never find herself at home in suburbia for as long as she lived.

As she tapped on the door apprehension filled her. She needed Jenny to be home, she needed to get in contact with Holly as quickly as possible. Thankfully the older women opened the door a few moments later.

"Gail hi, everything ok?" Jenny had clearly sensed her apprehension

"Hi, um yes just wondering if you'd heard from Holly at all?"

"No sorry Gail I haven't, is she alright, she's not in some kind of trouble is she?" _well shit that wasn't good. _Gail was frozen, Holly had temporarily broken off ties with her sister. They talked everyday and yet clearly Jenny wasn't aware that Holly was planning to bolt. Gail knew that she must have done something seriously wrong, fucked up in a big way.

"Gail, GAIL, is Holly ok?" Jenny waved in front of her

"No, I mean yeah, yeah she's fines, there is nothing wrong with her it's just she uh ... It's just ... she's ... she's left" and with that Gail turned and ran in desperate search of the nearest bar. Like she had reasoned earlier, alcohol wasn't the answer but it sure as hell would offer a damn good temporary solution. She was reverting back to the old Gail, and for now she was ok with that.

* * *

**Thank you for the reviews. This will be a bit of a slow build by the way in case the chapters haven't made that apparent. **


	4. Chapter Three

**_October 5_****_th_****_ 2016_**

The scene was like something out of an old western movie. Brown eyes met piercing blue ones in a tense standoff. Holly knew she had to say something before Gail drew her verbal pistol but the sight before her had left her at a loss for words. She thought it impossible but somehow Gail was paler than normal. An angry red half healed scar ran down the side of her face, a bruise poking from the neckline of her top. Holly suspected the visible injuries weren't confined to just that either, but Gail's puffy winter clothes had ensured she was covered. The wheelchair looked newish, its steel frame still holding a slight shine, and Gail's body seemingly uncomfortably confined in it.

Questions aplenty ran through Holly's head. What had happened? When did this happen? Was she ok? Holly couldn't ask them of course, she was sure that after 2 years of absence probing questions would not be appreciated by Gail. Instead she managed to croak out a small "hi". It was a pathetic opening really, fully deserving of the silent response and piercing glare it received from Gail. She tried again.

"Look Gail, I'm sorry to surprise you like this I know I'm probably the last person you want to see right now but you deserved to know this. I've accepted my old job back at the morgue, well not old job really there are a few added responsibilities and thankfully a nice pay rise, but I will be moving back. I just thought you needed to know, you know to save any awkward situation sometime in the future".

Holly recognised she was rambling, as she usually did when she was nervous and yet she could escape it. Her mouth was moving at a mile a minute and her brain couldn't quite catch up. Gail's silence wasn't exactly helping matters. She had also suddenly become acutely aware that this conversation was taking place in a public hallway and the thought that one of Gail's neighbours could wander into the awkwardness at any moment was unsettling her.

"Uh listen maybe the hallway isn't the best place for us to be talking right now, could we perhaps go into your apartment?" and with that Gail finally moved, slowly passing her on her way to open the door to her apartment. The physical pain with each push of her arms was evident on her face; the emotional pain that Holly suspected she may be feeling was well masked as ever. The apartment door was left open upon Gail's entrance, and Holly took it as a sign to enter.

Holly wasn't exactly sure what she was expecting but the apartment that faced her upon her entrance was not it. Far from the mismatched clutter that had graced the former Peckstein home, the apartment was instead the picture of tidiness and minimalism. Dark wood floors were complimented by crisp white walls and minimal furniture. There were no decorative elements, no photographs or paintings lining the walls, no video game controllers haphazardly discarded across the couch, no empty bottles of beer or packets of cheese puffs. It was unsettling to Holly only because it was so far from the Gail that she knew. Had she really changed that much in their time apart?

Her silent musings were interrupted by the clink of a coffee mug hitting the glass coffee table, an offer to sit down.

"Listen, I'm not sure what you're expecting from me here" Gail finally spoke.

"Nothing Gail, I'm not expecting anything, I just thought it would be decent of me to let you know that I'm back" Gail scoffed at that and Holly had to concede that her choice of words wasn't exactly the best. Her behaviour over the last 2 years was far from decent, why did she feel to make an exception now.

"Ok"

"Ok?" Holly questioned,

"Ok you're back, now I know" it was harsh, no less than Holly deserved of course, but it still stung. She recognised that it was also her cue to leave and so she fled the apartment, tears forming in her eyes, coffee left untouched on the table.

* * *

Holly had been wandering the streets for what seemed like hours, the reality of course was that it was probably barely one hour but her thoughts were so consumed by a multitude of questions that she had lost any sense of time. She was also kicking herself at her approach to Gail. She had been messy, her explanation disjointed, it was no wonder Gail has dismissed her with few words.

Gail had questioned what she was expecting and honestly she didn't quite know herself. Maybe a calm and logical conversation had been too much to hope for given the situation but Holly had entered with an unreasonable expectation that that was how it was going to work out. It wasn't like she was expecting a sudden reforming of their previous relationship nor even a friendship so what exactly was she hoping for. The truth was that it was a conversation that could have taken place over the phone. In fact it didn't need to be a conversation at all; a simple message or email would have sufficed. Holly hadn't wanted to admit to herself the ulterior motive behind her visit, she needed to see Gail, lay eyes on her again after such a long time. Of course now that she had she was regretting the decision because the image in her mind of Gail, beautiful and unharmed, had now been replaced by a frail and ultimately sick looking Gail and she wasn't sure she was ready to deal with the questions and baggage that went along with that. Her greatest fear had been realised.

She ended up at the suburban home of her sister. Jenny had remained her only link to Gail from Holly's Montreal base. She had told her small stories about Gail from what she had been able to find out from a friend she had at the 15 division. It was trivial stuff, how she was doing, what kind of cases she was working on, if she was still ice queen Gail to her colleagues. Holly had never had to ask for the stories; Jenny just knew that she wanted to hear them. She hadn't told her about the injuries however, nothing about the wheelchair or the angry red scars, and so now here Holly was ready to irrationally demand answers from her sister.

She slammed her fist against the door, the noise reverberating around the quiet suburban neighbourhood. Jenny appeared at the door no doubt startled by the loud intrusion.

"Holly, I didn't think you were coming into town until tomorrow" she enveloped her in a hug, one that Holly was quick to scramble out of.

"Did you know" Holly all but screamed at her sister, she was having a hard time controlling her anger and fear that had slowly been building since she first laid eyes on Gail. Fear of the situation, Anger at herself.

"Know what Holly? Settle down, what's wrong?" Jenny questioned her confusion was evident.

"Gail, know about Gail"

"Holly I haven't seen or spoken to Gail in over a year, you know that. Plus my friend at 15 transferred a while back, I'm sure I told you that". And perhaps she had, perhaps Holly was just looking to take her anger out on someone, find a release somewhere to distract her mind from the questions that had been constantly circling it, questions that both terrified and intrigued Holly, questions that she wanted to know the answers to and yet the idea of those answers left her petrified.

"Holly what is wrong with Gail?" And with that everything came crashing down. Holly collapsed into a sobbing mess on the door step. The very reason she left had become a reality and yet she couldn't help but regret ever leaving at all.

* * *

**Sorry this took so long, this one wasn't exactly flowing. Thanks for the reviews. **


End file.
